Meat Shield Maiden: Overview

September 27, 2026

This month's IOTM is a familiar that tries desperately to shield you from life's ills, and instead ends up grieviously injuring you. Life hurts, bucko.

Interesting Coin: Overview

August 31, 2026

For August's IOTM, the powers that be ended up taking inspiration from the wonders of numismatics. If you have never heard of that word before, well. Congratulations! You've led a great life. It's…

Portable Laughing Stock: Overview

August 20, 2026

It's neat that we get the Time Twitching Tower once a year now. This year, there wasn't a whole lot of hubbub about it; the new floor of the tower was an old-timey hamlet that was very mechanically…

Cup of 13s: Overview

August 11, 2026

For the July IOTM, TPTB took a hint from tarot and arcana. You see, tarot cards have four suits. None are tweed, unfortunately -- they vary based on the region, but a traditional four from the…

Sword of S-Words: Overview

August 1, 2026

I usually will put programming notes at the end, but wanted to note that I have had a truly awful June and July; I contracted walking pneumonia and have been coughing my lungs out for the entirety of…

So You Want To Go Fast? (an Intro to KOL Speedrunning)

July 29, 2026

Scotch here! Everyone's favorite friend, Phillammon, has decided to write up a rousing introduction to speedrunning in the Kingdom of Loathing. Unlike our monthly IOTM reviews, this is going to be a…

Legendary Pasta Wand: Overview

May 22, 2026

We're returning to the halcyon days of January 2026, back when the powers that be dropped the legendary seal-clubbing club. This time, TPTB have unearthed the legendary pasta wand from their…

Baseball Diamond: Overview

April 11, 2026

Ah, baseball. The smell of fresh grass, the crack of the bat, the gentle sizzle of hot sun on the back of your neck. The popcorn, the questionably cold beers, the exhausted mascots. The dad who's way…

Heartstone: Overview

March 27, 2026

While we were quite on time with the last two IOTMs, it has taken a perhaps jarring amount of time for me to complete this analysis on the Heartstone. There's a few different reasons for this. One, I…

Archaeologist's Spade: Overview

March 16, 2026

We're going to call this spade a shovel, because the good folks in the Ascension Speed Society have already handled all the spading. The Archaeologist's Spade is the March 2026 IotM, and it'll let…

The Eternity Codpiece: Overview

January 7, 2026

Got a real bone to pick with this year's item-of-the-year. First of all, it's advertised as the "Eternity" codpiece. Well, guess what, folks: someday, our world's sun is going to die, and when that…

Legendary Seal-Clubbing Club: Overview

January 4, 2026

This month's IOTM comes to us from an alternate universe. In this cursed timeline, the powers that be sell loot boxes for IOTMs, with but a scant chance of an overpowered top-tier IOTM with every…

Skeleton of Crimbo Past: Overview

December 9, 2025

I was considering only putting the Shrunken Head review up in this post drop, largely due to the fact that the Skeleton of Crimbo Past hasn't been fully spaded. But as I was thinking through it, I…

Shrunken Head: Overview

November 30, 2025

This month, we have a very simple, workmanlike IOTM. There's nothing remotely complicated about -this- guy! Just a fun little shrunken head with good enchantments and absolutely no confusing skills…

Blood Cubic Zirconia: Overview

October 31, 2025

As I noted in the editor's note prepending the Monodent post, it's been a very busy few months for me. My daughter has entered daycare, which has brought an era of constant sickness upon my house. I…

Monodent of the Sea: Overview

October 24, 2025

EDITOR'S NOTE: I have been swamped at work and my daughter just started daycare, which has brought with it an unyielding plague upon my house. As such, I used a summary of the monodent from legendary…

Allied Radio Backpack: Overview

August 13, 2025

Another year, another edition of the Time-Twitching Tower in the books. This year's theme was the Skeleton War, a glancingly WWII themed adventure that was home to several fun puzzles, mostly based…

Möbius ring: Overview

August 10, 2025

Step back, adventurer. this IotM is about to Möb! It comes with one side: 11 theoretical free fights per day (ACAB -- all cops are bius!), and perhaps the most confusing turnsave ever. The Möbius…

Cooler Yeti: Overview

July 19, 2025

This month, we're getting cool. Real cool. We've got the dopest, raddest, sickest, coolest buddy around. Homie wears sunglasses and flexes on the haters. He lives in a bucket of ice and throws you…

Prismatic Beret: Overview

June 7, 2025

For this month's IOTM, we get a hat. This makes sense, given that the current challenge path is primarily a chapeau-focused affair. June's hat is a beret, a style of hat that is actually quite a bit…

Peridot of Peril: Overview

May 3, 2025

Finding the right monsters got you down? Don't des-pear, the Peridot of Peril is the May 2025 item of the month, and it's incom-pear-able for helping make monsters ap-pear. Pre-pear to be amazed. The…

April Shower Thoughts shield: Overview

April 17, 2025

This month's IOTM was an interesting spading exercise for the Ascension Speed Society discord. Due to the nature of the shield, people were taking a fresh look at core game class skills, and trying…

Leprecondo: Overview

March 31, 2025

Personally, I don't think that condos are inherently very cool living spaces. I have personally always preferred the extra space and the extra trees inherent in having a house; condos always feel…

Toy Cupid's Bow: Overview

March 24, 2025

Time to engage my rant zone. This IOTM's capitalization bothers me. The item is classified as the "toy Cupid's bow" -- respecting Cupid's authority as an important individual worthy of capitalization…

Path Overview: Z is for Zootomist

March 2, 2025

EDITOR'S NOTE: This post was contributed by noway258 (#1735780), a speedster from the aughties who volunteered to write up a path overview for us! Thanks a ton to noway, also known as Tomato Soup on…

CyberRealm: Overview

January 30, 2025

We've finally got a new realm! At the Ascension Speed Society discord, we often have light verbal jousts over what actually constitutes a "realm" in KOL. There are many different ways you can define…

McHugeLarge deluxe ski set: Overview

January 3, 2025

The McHugeLarge deluxe ski set comes as an enormous duffel bag. That's right, kids, duffel bags are BACK. And by BACK, I mean that's where you wear it. On your back. You know, like a... duffel bag?…

A Primer on Faxes & Summons

January 1, 2025

There are a ton of ways in KoL to summon monsters. Like, a ton. With italicized entries for standard items, a non-exhaustive list of the most common methods to pick a fight with a specifically…

Clan VIP Lounge: Overview (as of 2024)

December 25, 2024

For this article, I am going to go through every resource a player has access to in KOL's Clan VIP Lounge. There are quite a few resources, folks! There are TEN full VIP IOTMs that have been released…

TakerSpace: Overview

December 24, 2024

November's Peace Turkey was all about keeping up tradition. The December IOTM, the TakerSpace, is a similarly traditional achievement. The important tradition TPTB are celebrating this month is the…

Peace Turkey: Overview

December 15, 2024

KOL has been around for a long time. A really long time! 2023's Legacy of Loathing should've made that very clear. If you want to be even MORE clear about it, though, they've created a new tradition.…

Bat wings: Overview

November 6, 2024

Dusk! With a creepy, tingling sensation, you hear the fluttering of leather wings! Bats! With glowing red eyes and glistening fangs, these unspeakable KOL speedrunners drop onto... wait, what? These…

Sept-Ember Censer: Overview

November 5, 2024

Do you remember the 21st night of September? No? Well, you should. It's important! You should go watch one of Demi Adejuyigbe's several educational films detailing many ways you can remember the…

Tearaway Pants: Overview

August 21, 2024

These ain't no ripoff pants! Okay, well. Depending on how you evaluate its use, they might be ripoff pants. But one thing's for sure: they're tearaway pants! Tearaway Pants are, well, pants. They're…

Roman Candelabra: Overview

July 3, 2024

Now that I have you here, it's time to discuss how to pluralize the IOTM. No! Wait! Don't boo! It's funny! Candelabra is considered a plural form of candelabrum, but can also represent a singular…

Mini Kiwi: Overview

June 28, 2024

I'm not the only one who thinks it's weird that kiwis have hair, right? The fruit. They're fuzzy little guys! My wife gets kiwis pretty frequently and I'll reach into the fruit drawer and think "hey…

Mayam Calendar: Overview

May 10, 2024

Imagine the Tome of Clip Art. Now imagine it with a way cooler UI and more yams. If you can’t imagine it... well, good news: you don’t have to! Because the Mayam Calendar is the May 2024 IOTM, and…

Apriling band helmet: Overview

May 2, 2024

The people have demanded a hat, and a hat they shall receive. The Apriling band helmet is the April IOTM, and it's filled to the brim with instruments perfect for Apriling along to the beat of your…

Everfull Dart Holster: Overview

March 29, 2024

This IOTM is clearly a love letter from TPTB to the Kingdom's best dart thrower, ThreeBulletHamburgler (#1993636). "But Scotch, 3BH hasn't been around for ages, and I didn't know that!" Well, yes.…

From B-Boys to B-Men: Planning Out a Standard Ascension

March 13, 2024

First, you’ll want a resource planning sheet (similar to this one created in January of 2025) that comprehensively lists all available resources. This is helpful to you in several critical ways: - It…

Crown of Thrones/Buddy Bjorn: a Retro Review

March 2, 2024

Most IotMs are self-contained capsules that ship once and are never revisited. Occasionally they have explicit synergy and talk to each other, like the Tunnel of L.O.V.E. offering you toast if you…

Spring Shoes: Overview

February 23, 2024

Spring is here / a-suh-puh-ring is here / life is skittles / and life is beer! I think the loveliest time of the year is the spring. I do -- do you? You do? 'Course you do. But there's one thing that…

Black & White Apron: Overview

February 17, 2024

It was a little later than usual, by TPTB's (rather high) standards, but the 2024 IOTY dropped in late January, and it's a pretty interesting one. Now that I'm back from work travel to Australia…

Chest Mimic: Overview

January 3, 2024

With the backup camera leaving standard, many speedsters were wondering if we'd get a new copy source at some point in the coming year; we have one source (sort of) through the Recall Habitats skill…

Candy Cane Sword Cane: Overview

December 1, 2023

It's a cane! It's a sword! It's a candyswordcane! You can whip out the sword in the middle of your fights... and other adventures. That means noncombats, allowing you to do a wide variety of fun…

Wardrobe-o-Matic: Overview

November 29, 2023

Whoa! This one came out of nowhere. With the Time Twitching Tower back, TPTB released a brand new item in the KOL Con Merch Table, at the price of one Mr. Accessory. It's the Wardrobe-o-Matic…

Path Overview: Shrunken Adventurer

November 29, 2023

A large portion of the articles on this website are going to feature a hidden secret agenda, a little easter egg for careful readers. For instance, anything written by Gausie will probably have a…

Path Overview: 2CRS

November 27, 2023

Some paths are really, really simple. One small restriction here, a little boost there, a tiny tweak to the core mechanics there, et cetera. When I think about the 40+ challenge paths that Asymmetric…

A Guide to Burning Leaves: Overview

October 31, 2023

This month's IOTM is about going outside and touching grass. And then, after you touch grass, collecting leaves and burning them to cinders! The item creates a tiny pile of burning leaves in your…

Bottled Green Pixie: a Retro Review

October 19, 2023

What bleats like a goat, shakes like a dog, and talks about how it was a total game-changer in a bygone era? No, it's not your hungover uncle! It's the Bottled Green Pixie, an IOTM from -- seriously…

Jill-of-all-Trades: Overview

September 30, 2023

Remember the Jill-o-Lantern? You know, that familiar from 20 years ago that revolutionized KOL, with the bleeding edge combination of a volleyball and a hot lime? Well, she's back, and she's better…

Haiku Katana: a Retro Review

September 5, 2023

Katana so old / Reputation precedes it / Foes in a jumble. Okay, okay, I'm bad at haikus. Sue me. This one is an old mamma jamma, and here we are, going to talk about it! Crush your enemies / perform…

Book of Facts: Overview

August 31, 2023

Have you ever gotten into a hole on Wikipedia, where you spend hours upon hours digging into increasingly bizarre and unfathomable facts that you hazily half remember later? Then, at some work lunch…

August Scepter: Overview

July 31, 2023

The August Scepter is a scepter you can use to cast skills. There are 31 skills you can cast, one for each day of August, the month of my birth. Luckily, every single month has 31 skills, so this…

Unrestricted Pulls

July 31, 2023

Over 20 years of the game's existence, there's a ton of extremely powerful pulls you can snag to help speed up your non-hardcore speedruns. Loathers & ASS maintain a general standard pull list, but…

Patriotic Eagle: IOTM Overview

June 30, 2023

For one brief shining month in the 2023 Standard Set, TPTB put on their fancy Reds, Whites, and Blues and made the most patriotic IOTM of all time. A sparkling show of blustery patriotism from our…